I Take Pause.

 

I am switching topics for this post.

Last night, a friend passed away. He had tried to kill himself through self-immolation in January, and in the past few months had amazed even the doctors in his recovery. Sadly, an infection set in. After months of eating through a feeding tube, his body lacked the ability to fight off the infection, and he slipped out of consciousness a few days ago and his life ended.

If you haven’t known anyone that tried to take their life, it gives those that knew him an odd way of evaluating their past encounters and conversations. What if I’d known he was that low? Should I have figured out how bad he was feeling? Why didn’t he call to talk if he was at such a low point? What if……? The questions can be haunting.

It saddens me that someone so young, so smart, so strong was lost in such an unsettling manner. The fact that he at one point was so saddled with his problems and emotions without reaching out to anyone is horrifying. The method of his suicide is even more baffling. You hear of things like that, but you never expect to KNOW someone who chooses to set themselves aflame.

My husband is halfway around the world, and he has to deal with his loss on his own. He can’t attend the funeral and say his final goodbyes. The only positive thing if that we were able to go to the hospital (out of state) a couple of times while his friend was alert and knew he was there.

I feel for his family. To lose a son, a brother, a grandson….. I don’t know how someone makes it through such a thing.

My heart breaks for many reasons today.

This passage, though well known, is what keeps going through my head:

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover’d country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

 

I don’t know what, if anything, comes after this life. I just hope that he found the peace (or nothingness) he wanted. I wish he had never felt that way. 

The Best News!

We went to Court on Monday. I had met with Joe’s attorney and told him what I was wanting for an outcome. I couldn’t be happier with what the Judge ruled.

The are subclassing Joe into the psychiatric disabilities classification. This will help prevent any DJJ incarcerations in the future by having him diverted into a facility such as RTF or specialized foster home if he gets into trouble in the future. It also opens the other things ruled up to him.

Joe is going to RTF (Residential Treatment Facility) and being taken off of his meds. Once they are out of his system, the psychiatrist will conduct testing to get a baseline of what Joe’s behaviors, observations and interview questions indicate is his true diagnosis. Because he has been in and out of the hospital so many times, and with as varying of diagnoses as he’s had, this is crucial to pinpoint the actual issues in order to come up with an appropriate treatment plan.

The agencies have to meet once Joe had completed 60 days at RTF and review the report and recommendations from the facility psychiatrist and come up with a treatment plan for once he is discharged. This will hopefully provide a seamless transition and offer him a lot more services, including home-based.

The Judge wants another hearing once Joe has been home for 30 days to ensure the agencies are providing proper support.

The school is ordered to conduct a new psycho-educational evaluation and rewrite his IEP. The Judge specified that he wants the school to examine Joe’s strong science scores and see if there is anything they can do to further him in science and use his interest to help in be more successful in other subjects.

Joe will be on probation for 18 months.

I was so happy when I walked out of the courtroom. It felt as if a huge weight had been lifted. At the moment we are still waiting for a transfer to RTF (he is still at DJJ). I should hear early next week where they plan on sending him, and the length of wait Joe should have before transfer.

My only sad point is that now, since my husband deployed, I can’t visit Joe. They won’t allow my daughter to visit (no visitors under 18), and because I have no sitter I can’t see him. That breaks my heart, but I hope that the transfer occurs soon se it isn’t that long before I see him again.

In other news, my friend that has been in the hospital since January is not doing very well. He has a huge infection that is shutting down his systems and his skin grafts have stopped healing. His family has decided not to resuscitate if he goes into cardiac arrest. My heart is breaking for him and his family. I’m still hopeful that he will pull through this, but it’s looking pretty grim. He is strong and stubborn though, so anything is possible.